Quodlibets

Sappy Entry Ahead

 One of things I always remember around this time of year is the mix CDs that Sam made me during our dubious courting period.  (Were we courting?  Not intentionally on his part, most likely.  And I was just doing my best to build a friendship with him and hoping it might push us further.  You decide what that's called.)  He made me at least 8 or 9, and those mix CDs continued on into the years of our relationship, though I'm sad to say that at 6 years in, they've essentially disappeared, as has the CD in general.  We've made some iPod mixes together for some dinner parties we've had, but otherwise, no mixes.  And of course, I've been going through a rough music separation the past few months.  (It seems to be getting better, thank the good Muse Euterpe.)  But when I think back to those early days of the relationship (and last days of the friendship w/o the relationship), it's hard to forget the music.  One of the last big things we did together before the kissing started was a Beth Orton concert--so good--and afterwards, on the train home, I put my head on his shoulder and wondered if a) he minded and b) OH MY GOD WHAT DID THIS ALL MEAN.  I remember looking around that concert at all the couples and just....wishing that we were one of them.  To the best of my recollection, that night was 5 nights before we embarked on this crazy undertaking.  I got my wish.

Six years ago today, in fact, I got my wish.  And when I think of the songs that Sam gave me on those mixes--"Teardrop" "Remember the Mountain Bed" "There is a Light" to name just three--it's easy for me to understand just how much of a gift Sam has been in my life.  Those songs are teeny tiny things he's given me, songs that I love and would easily consider putting on the 100-song mix of my life, if such a thing existed.  All the other intangible things, the things you can't listen to, the things you can't understand no matter how many times I explain them, well, those things are present every single day between us, and those are things that fuel my enduring, everyday understanding of his great, beautiful presence in my life.  The songs are simply one of the smallest ways to listen to that beautification.

After six years, I still get excited when I see Sam walking towards me in a public place.  I still love to curl into his arms at the end of a long day.  After six years, he's still a pleasure to come home to.  He's a little-complaining, stoic, easy-going man.  He's my little-complaining, stoic, easy-going man, and I love him every day for it.  I think I thank him every year on our anniversary, because I don't want him to ever not know how grateful I am for all those graces, and this year, I'd like to add a thank you for the music, too.  Because it's that music that he gave me six years ago that's slowly bringing me out of my music coma.

Thank you, Sam.  I love you.

Even after all

Possibly the biggest gift that Sam has given me in the 5 years we've been together has been the music.  I feel comfortable saying we're both pretty omnivorous when it comes to music, although we prefer to listen to different genres of diverse music--I like Bollywood and some alt-country/country, for example, and he gets into jazz and classical far more than I do.  But that's made for some interesting music exchanges.  I tend to think that he's made far more of an impact on me than I have on him, but he's so bloody picky when it comes to music.  I tried to get him interested in the Kings of Leon ages ago, but he refused to see their genius.  Until this last album, which he listened to first and is in love with now.  I think it's possible that he thinks my music tastes are more....popular, mainstream, than his own, and he's very reluctant to admit that I might introduce him to some new awesome music.  I think it's this holdover from music-snob-land, otherwise known as working at a music store.  There's the subtle (or not-so-subtle, depending on your friends) competition to be the one to find the next great CD, the next great band, the new thing.  I'm almost positive Sam would deny it, but I think he gets this little thrill from giving me new music that I love.  And let's be clear, he really has.  I can name more than a few CDs he's given me in the past 5 years that have really opened up my musical world.  But this isn't about those CDs.  This list is about the 5 songs he's given me that have really wormed they're way into my life, in such a way that if I could only have one mix CD with me for the rest of my life, these songs would most likely be on it.

5 songs

1.  Teardrop -- Massive Attack.  I think about this song all the time.  I'm not kidding.  I really love it, and the first mix Sam ever made me, long before we started dating, had this song on it.  It's popped up on a few of my own mixes, and any time it comes on unbidden--in shuffle mode--I get a little thrill.  That it's the theme song for the TV show "House" doesn't really bother me, though it's a better song with lyrics than without.  And I'd be lying if I denied that the song was a major reason I started watching "House".  Whatever, the song is amazing, and sometimes I try to think what song I'd walk down the aisle to, if I ever walked down one, and this song is something I always consider.  It's pretty...angular, though, for a walking-down-the-aisle song.  I don't know.  But it's fair to say, anyway, that this song in my life is a direct result of Sam.

2. and 3.  There is a Light and Ask Me -- The Smiths.  I might've owned a Smiths CD before Sam.  I can't remember now when I bought the Smiths singles album.  But if I did have it before Sam, I never listened to it, ever.  Sam put these songs on mixes for me, and it's been all over since then.  When Pete Yorn played these songs at Schuba's, I nearly died from happiness, and pledged my eternal music loyalty to him.  And I'm a big Moz fan too, and Sam is the direct result of that.  I wouldn't say I'm a fanatic, about the Smiths or Moz, but I'll take these songs, yes please. 

4.  Hallelujah -- Jeff Buckley.  If this list was longer than 5 songs, I'd also put "Lover You Should Have Come Over" and "Last Goodbye" on it.  For the record, I think "Last Goodbye" was the first Buckley song he gave me, and I do love it, but Hallelujah is better.  I know it's a Cohen song, and I actually do love the Rufus Wainwright version too, but I think it's really otherwordly in Buckley's hands.  There is something about it that really hits home for me, especially at Christmas.  And it's a song that I've played on repeat, many times.  It makes me think.  Actually, these are the only three Jeff Buckley songs I like.  They're undoubtedly the best, right?

5.  Remember the Mountain Bed -- Billy Bragg and Wilco.  This song is so, so sweet.  Every time I hear it, I feel a flush of love for Sam, because he brought it to my attention, and he put it on so many mixes for me.  This is another song that I've consider for the wedding thing, because I like it so much.  And it's also the only Wilco song on my iPod.  And will probably always be.  I don't care for Wilco, and so liking this song, even a bigger surprise.  But really, a nice surprise.  Good song.

How Do I Love Thee?

Let me count the ways....

Sam and I (yes, Sam.  I'm sick of just typing S and I don't think either one of us is very anonymous on the web anymore) will be celebrating our fifth anniversary in less than a month, and I've been trying to think of something I can do for him, besides giving him a wad of cash that'll go towards his new computer.  This is the first time we've really done gifts; we've gone out for a couple special dinners, but most years our anniversary has just been noted and we've moved on.  (It doesn't help the anniversary that my birthday is a scant six days later, as it's kind of a one-two punch on the spending money.)  But I happen to think that five is a really special anniversary, and something that we should recognize and celebrate.  Me handing Sam cash?  Not very special and romantic.

So I decided that I'm really going to count the ways.  Sort of.  Every few days, or whenever I get the inspiration, I'm going to post a list of five things.  Not five things out of the same category, mind you, but a new list with five items every day.  Some are going to be really silly lists, and some will be kind of sappy and serious.  Some might be annotated, and some might just be lists.  It will totally depend on the the circumstances surrounding the moment I'm writing the post, and the character of the list. 

I love words.  And I can't think of a way to better express to him how much I love him than to throw around words on this blog.  It is, somehow, from the very depth of me that I'll be writing these words, no matter how frivolous they seem.  And he has become a part of the very depth of me, and he should know it.  This is my quirky way.

5 movies I've hated, while with him
1.  Mullholland Drive
2.  Gangs of New York
3.  Solaris
4.  Vanilla Sky
5.  Rocky I

What I do with words, he does with pictures

Every time I think that S can't get any better as a photographer, he goes and takes a picture like this.  I don't really know anything about photography, but I can tell that he's really, really talented.  I wish I could take photos like him--but only sometimes, because I'm pretty sure that if I could take photos like that I'd be living in a box on the side of the road, poor from having bought so much photography equipment.  Also, I doubt that S and I could be together if our life was a competition: who takes the best photos?  Also, can you imagine our vacations?  There would never be pictures of us together (not that there are all that many now), just lots of duelling pictures of him in front of a monument, and then me in front of a monument.  And returning from vacation would go like this:  "I shot the Pantheon better."  "No, I did."  "Yeah, well, I got a better shot of the forum."

I'm just that competitive and he's just too good.  Anyway, I don't think visually.  About that aforementioned photo, I said, "That cross standing out in the sky is striking."  To which he replied:  "There are three crosses in the photo."  Do you know how long it took me to see three crosses?  Long enough that you'd be embarrassed for me.  I just don't process information visually.  I used his camera the other night to take some photos, just as a joke, and you know what?  The photos were a joke.  I can't see, when I look through that little rectangle thing, the same things he does.  I'm in constant amazement. 

It's nice to live with someone who can take such amazing pictures.  It's nice to see myself the way he sees me.  And above all, it's damn nice not to have to carry a camera everywhere.