I've felt, pretty strongly, and for a pretty long time, that I don't want to be a mother. It's true that I do feel a biological urge now and again, especially when I think of how cute Sam's and my baby would be. But when I think about all the stuff that comes after--the barf and the diapers and the sleeplessness--all the benefits in the world don't seem to make me want to be a mommy. Most people who know me know I feel this way. I think a lot of people think that I'll outgrow it, or that I'll do it anyway, because that's what people do. I don't know if that will happen.
What I do know, though, is that I thought there'd be more of me. I thought that my generation would include more women who just didn't want to be moms, and thus, because they had the choice, remained childless. And maybe those women do exist, but they don't really exist in my circle. Nearly all (or all, perhaps?) of our coupled, married friends have children. Two of my high school friends are pregnant with their second. I don't begrudge these people their children. All of these kids are cute, and my friends make great parents. I just didn't think I'd be alone.
I wish I could say that I'm comfortable with it, but I'm not, even though I'm pretty sure that this is the right choice for me. (I actually think that no matter which decision I make, I'll regret it. But I'd rather regret not having a kid than regret the kid I have. That's probably another post.) But I do feel like the odd one out. I do feel like a strange, strange bird. I do wonder how those women decided that children would be right for them. Because I think about it ALL the TIME, and I can't get to that place where it feels like the right thing to do. (For oh so many reasons. There ain't just one holding me up.)
I do wonder what my future looks like when my friends (and family, for that matter) are shuttling their kids all over creation and Sam and I have got oodles of time to do whatever we want with. I wonder if we'll be an isolated couple, unable to partake in the things our friends do, because they've got kids, and we don't. Will we have to make all new friends, childless friends? And that right there is an unpleasant idea, because making friends is HARD, and I am traditionally terrible at it. Just terrible.
I don't know. I only know that it feels like I'm outside looking in, and the shitty thing about it is that I don't actually want to be in. I've come to feel this way somehow, and it's ridiculous and weird, but it's there.
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