I did not post everyday. I felt that it was futile to try by the end, because I had almost nothing to say, and reading myself blathering on about nothing felt like defeat too. So I tried, and I failed. (Oh! Words I hate saying/writing.) Perhaps I didn't try hard enough to pull it out, but you know, it's blogging. Not work or homework.
Speaking of, I feel rather under pressure with the latter. I'm not a big homework stresser (never have been, honestly), and save for the insanity that was boot camp in Champaign (a semester in literally 10 days; who on earth thinks that this is a good way to begin graduate school???), I don't imagine I will be with this round either. The only thing that is getting to me a little bit is the group work. Group work, and I could rant here, is meaningless crap that doesn't really prepare you at ALL for the way the actual world works. It forces people who don't know one another to judge each other and their respective work, and it often ends up that some loafers let other group members do the whole project, simply to eke out some sort of grade. I hate it, and I bet everyone else does too, and hearing professors prattle on about how good it will be for you makes me want to scream. I don't believe it will, thanks very much.
Anyway, even if this is noxious group work I'm dealing with, I'd rather not let down my group completely, and so feel some pressure to get things right. This is directly antithetical to my new improved attitude towards grades, which is: anh. who cares? I'm trying very hard to not sweat this stuff, because a) it doesn't matter, in the end, as long as you've got the degree and b) my mediocre efforts are getting As right now. But again, I feel some pressure knowing a group is depending on me to get my shit in gear, and produce something worthy.
So I've finished the assignment, basically, but I'm sitting here looking for ways to make it better, or pump it up a little, or clarify things. (I can only edit so much; I am not a naturally good editor of my own work, and often turn in first drafts just because...I can. I made a much better editor of others' papers, in college.) This is silly and pointless, and it is costing me time, time I could be spending on the two other homework assignments due before Dec. 17. But I'm doing it because I'm really scared these people (whom I don't know! at all!) will judge my work insufficient and you know what? That feels like crap. Irrational. But crappy. All past experiences with grading should reassure me that my work is lovely and fine and will earn the full points available for the assignment, but still! Still I persist.
I hope that by the end of this interminable process, I'll get over it, because if the people running things are right, I'm looking at a group project in every class. Ever. That I could ever want to take in this program. Ooof.
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