On Friday night I went to my sister's best friend's wedding. It was a very nice wedding; fun and personal and touching (when the groom read "Thank You" by Led Zep during the ceremony, I'm not sure there was a dry eye in the house. It was so sweet.) and just right. The only pitfall of the evening was one person from my graduating class (high school) that I would have been happy never seeing again. I did a really good job of avoiding him for the majority of the reception, but then I walked blithely over to the sweets table and right into his clutches. It's not that there's anything very objectionable about him--or that there ever was, for that matter--but I just have never liked him. Some sort of aversion. We were talking about basic life stuff, and I asked him if he was going to the reunion on Aug. 4th and he said no, because he just didn't care about that kind of stuff. And had no wish to see anybody but the people he already kept in touch with. C'est la vie, whatever, although I'm convinced it will be a gas. But then he said, (and this is a rough approximation of a quote) "Anyway, I haven't changed since I was 15. Why would I go to this, knowing everything will be exactly the same?"
I'm not sure if I cringed then, or if I kept the cringe inside. Knowing me, I probably showed my disdain all over my face. But I simply can't imagine being the same as I was at 15. I've been 40 different girls since then, and I wouldn't discard or forget any of them, even though some of them are awfully hard to think about. I haven't loved every single one of those girls, but the fact remains that I have been sort of an evolving person, and I think most people are. Hell, I've watched Sam change like crazy in the 6 years I've known him. It's been absolutely amazing to watch.
Now I don't know, maybe this guy was trying to say that the things he liked then are the things he likes now. Everyone has some of that going on. I've never not loved reading. The moment I got in a car I was addicted to the driving of them. But that's not the same as full-on stasis. And I fear very much that what this fellow was referring to was a sort of pride that he hadn't changed at all, not one bit, in 13 years. In fact, I'd almost bet on it. It may be that my aversion to him stems from this one simple thing--his commitment to never change. It could be that the force of my pity for him is too heavy for me to bear up under. It's not a productive emotion, pity, and I'm awash in it when thinking of him. How perfectly sad, to have never changed in 13 years. How scary, too. It makes him, in some ways, a sort of empty human being, devoid of experiences and feelings that have made him who he is.
I just can't wrap my head around it. When I think about it, it makes my head spin a little bit. It makes me wish I were thinking of anything else. And so I shall.
And unfortunately for this guy, he is part of one of the memories from the night I will not forget...when he set himself on fire. His sleeve caught on fire and I wouldn't be surprised if he has blisters on a small portion of his arm. It's rude, but I feel giggly just thinking about it.
Posted by: Katie | July 30, 2007 at 03:31 PM