A couple of weeks ago, while on hiatus, I read a book called Unhooked Generation. The book attempts to examine and explain why so many men and women from my generation either can't find someone to be with, or if they do find someone to be with, can't make that relationship last. Overall, I found the book mostly useless; the ways the author explains these problems is very trite, with a numbered list of cutely named reasons. The majority of the information in the book comes from interviews, as well, so you're not looking at hard data. It's only anecdotal evidence. But one of the things that has really stuck with me from the reading of this book is something one of the interviewees said about having a lasting, happy relationship (and marriage). She told the author that she felt our generation didn't know what love really is, or how to make love work, really. And then she told the author that love, ultimately, was a choice.
I can't agree more. It's an unromantic view of love, but it might be the most realistic one. In some ways, we choose to fall in love with people by allowing them in our lives enough for love to grow. We choose to love someone every morning when we wake up next to them and love the feeling. We choose to love someone when we share a physical intimacy with them. You can do all these things without feeling like you're making a concious choice, but the fact remains that it is a choice. (Tangentially, I believe that everything anyone does is a choice. Even if a person feels as if there is no choice--there is ALWAYS, always a choice to be made.) Likewise, you can wake up one morning and make the choice to stop loving someone. That choice probably comes in the form of putting little or no effort into the relationship. But it's a choice.
I'm certainly not saying that all relationships can be saved by making the choice to save them. Sometimes there is a reason to stop being with someone. But I will say that I really don't know if I believe the whole "fall out of love" thing. Because I really do believe that you can choose to stay in love. That you can choose to keep loving. I know I've said it before, but it's the truth--love relationships are never easy. They're often hard work. It takes effort to keep a flame burning. And by letting yourself relax into no efforts made, you're conciously or unconciously saying you don't choose to nurture love. And that's okay, if that's what you're looking to do. But shrugging your shoulders and saying, "what could I do? I fell out of love." feels pretty hollow to me. You may have been looking for a way out. You may have decided for some reason or another you weren't happy with someone. But I don't think it was about falling out of love.
Just because this view is unromantic doesn't mean that I don't believe in romance, or romantic love. I just sort of believe that romantic love isn't the thing that the whole relationship hinges on. I'm trying to realistically build a relationship that will last, with someone I love deeply. I suppose that's what most of us are trying to do; I guess the benefit to having a blog is that I get to spout off about how I think it should work to all of you. It's a deeply comforting way to look at this, though, because it gives you (and your sigfig) the power to keep your relationship going as long as you both know that you can make the choice to keep it going. I don't believe this because it's comforting, but it's comforting to believe it.
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