Odds, Ends

• S's hard drive died.  The hard drive in his laptop.  Died.  He was able to rescue all the files from it, I think, but otherwise, it is now dead.  Part of me is sad for him (and us) because it costs money to replace a hard drive, and what a pain in the ass expense to occur.  The other part of me?  Happy, because it means he won't be raging at his laptop and banging on it and slamming it shut in frustration because it won't do what he wants it to do.  He did not have a good morning yesterday, and it was very dispiriting because he was in very low spirits.  However, when we got home from brunch yesterday, he pressed some buttons on the thing, did a little tinkering, and calmly told me his hard drive was dead.  I mean, this in contrast to the keyboard-pounding maniac he'd been a short four hours before.  It was all very silly, his calm acceptance, and I thought it was a little fishy when he told me that he'd sort of known it was happening for the past few days.  Really?  Then why didn't he tell me that, so I knew that the horrible keyboard-banging would come to an end, eventually?  And I was convinced that we were going to have to buy him a new computer (something we can ill afford).  However.  It's nice to know that there won't be anymore rattling anger aimed at the computer, even if it does mean that he's out a little bit of money. 
• The other thing.  I did something big yesterday.  I cancelled my WW account.  I'm not near a goal-weight.  Most of the weight I lost on WW has come back.  But I'm not using it, and if I know me (and I like to think I do), I'll never really use it again.  It also seemed silly to be paying almost $20 a month for something that was sitting idle.  I can use that money elsewhere, I'll tell you that.  That money saved is enough for almost one car payment, and that's good enough for me.  I'm not sure what it means for my weight loss, except that I know that I'm tired of being guilty about every little damn thing I put in my mouth.  Most days, I hover between feeling damn good about myself and thinking that I need to diet away myself, and it's a really thin line I'm walking with the self esteem.  If I feel like I need WW in the future, I'll re-up.  But I think I've given WW enough of my money, and if I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to have to stop eating most things.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again--I can't eat real food and be skinny.  Never gonna happen for me.  I can live on an austere diet of lean cuisines and eggs and broccoli and 100 calorie packs, or I can not.  I think right now, I'm opting for not.  It's too miserable for me.  I'm not going to start eating like a crazy person--I plan on eating lots of veggies and trying to get the motivation to cook more often, because those meals are just better, all around--but I'm not going to go crazy in the opposite direction anymore either.  It's taken me a long time to come around to the idea that I'm not a failure because WW didn't work (I am terrified of failure.  Irrationally so, probably.), and that it's okay.  I'm going to be okay.  I just want to stop obsessing about what I eat.  No small thing, and for an American woman, it seems damn near impossible.  I also want to stop eating Lean Cuisines.  I mean, seriously.  I want them to be out of my life, permanently.  I need to search out some good lunch plans, but I just want to be done with fake meat and cheese, and dubious sauces.  Again, I'm not sure where that leaves me for lunch, but even if it leaves me with a slice of turkey on whole grain bread, that's better.  That's 40 million times better.  It's going to have to evolve.  And I think it might involve a lot of lunches that include bagels, and nothing else.  Maybe sugar-free jello.  Most likely, during the summer, lots of cherry tomatoes and fresh produce.  It might cost me more effort (making my lunch the night before?) but it will be worth it.  I hope.  And I know it's going to cost some effort to like myself every day, and not stress and worry about the number on the scale.  But that's going to just be something I work at.  That's all.  I'm also, after July 1st (after I can stop trying to wring every single workable hour out of my work day), going to try to work out a couple times of week.  That's something I miss, and I will do it, but I need to be very careful with my work schedule to acheive it, and I can't when I'm trying to work 40 hour weeks.  Otherwise my commute will turn into a bigger stress than the working out will relieve stress.  It's a delicate balance, but I'm going to make some adjustments, as soon as I can, and we'll see what happens.  It's all going to be a process, and I'm not going to talk about it, and I'm not going to spend hours thinking about it or obsessing about it.  Finito.  Basta.

Comments

[theycallmered]

I have stopped eating Lean Cuisine's simply because the black little tray makes me depressed. The idea of eating mediocre food full of who knows out of those tiny black trays on a pretty regular basis for the rest of my life (because I do not see myself spontaneously being skinny in the future) is simply too depressing for me.