Last night I dreamt about Italy. Only not really, because what I actually dreamed of was the stupid airplane ride over there. I had two flying dreams, and they were both awful. Not the kind of awful where you wake up sweating and crying, but just vaguely unsettling. They both jarred me out of sleep, one at 2 am and the other at 5, and after the awakening at 5, I didn't really go back to bed. If this happens every night from now until Italy, I'll be a wreck.
I have a fair amount of flying dreams normally, so it's not that shocking. I don't enjoy flying (even though I love the travel part that comes after), and I'm a very nervous flyer besides. I'm scared of crashes and breathing problems and blood clots and that makes me hate every minute I spend in the sky. The 9 hours to Italy sucks, but I'm willing to do it because, well, I'm in Italy when the plane finally lands. The joy of that mitigates the suck of the flying.
I'd be lying, though, if I said I wasn't nervous about going back. This is exactly how I felt last time I went back, a tinge of fear and worry combined with the overwhelming sensation of excitement to be going back. And it seems as if the fear and worry get bigger, the closer I get. Rome is such a loaded city for me; the last time, I cried on the tram from the Trastevere train station all the way into Largo Argentina. I mean, just tears pouring down my face. The plan is a bit different this trip; we're flying into Rome but then going to Florence straight-away, no stop in Rome. Rome comes after Florence. I can't imagine crying in Florence (actually, I dislike Florence, but feel S should see it), and I don't know if I'll be shocked into the kind of emotion I was last time by coming into Rome after two days in Italy. I'd like to not cry.
Anyway, I'm afraid because Rome is a loaded city, and I'm afraid that I'll round a corner and something won't be where it's supposed to be. (Oh, please be there, Enzo's restaurant.) I'm also worried that I won't connect with it like I once did, and that's even worse. I've, in some ways, built my life around Rome, and the time I spent there, and to not love it now would be a nightmare. Rationally, I can't imagine that would happen. But I'm not always a rational creature, and in the two weeks leading to this trip, I'm sure the irrationality of this all will hold sway. It's the kind of person I am.
But I've been waiting for this trip for four and a half years (since the last time I was in Rome) and I am just ready. I am so ready. April 19th cannot come fast enough. (But no more Rome dreams, hopefully.)
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