For the five days preceding my trip out to CA for the wedding, I was alone at the apt. without S. He went out early to visit with friends, and attend the bachelor party (hiking! in caves! with no strippers!). I was mostly not okay with it, because I'm a big fat scaredy cat. And that first night was terrible, with very little sleep, and lots and lots of jumping. I was afraid to wear two earplugs, so I just wore one, which contributed mightily to the bad sleeping.
Clearly, I lived. In fact, every day got a little bit easier, in terms of sleep, at least in terms of fear. It still sucked to be missing S, but at least by the end I was sleeping with no trouble. I do feel like I did talk less, simply because there was no one to share all my little thoughts with. And it was lonely, I can't deny it. I think I strong-armed my sister into going to dinner one night, because I was super-hungry for company. It was such a relief, both to talk, and to have someone talk to me. It's half pathetic and half sweet--I do miss him when he's not around, but my need to have someone around is a little humiliating. I don't think I'd necessarily be like this if I wasn't with S, and hadn't been with him for almost 5 years, but those conditions exist, and so I can't really take away those factors from my life, and dude, I was lonely. That's all there is to it.
It isn't as if S and I spend every waking hour talking, or even acknowledging that the other exists, because we don't. Often, we coexist, both of us on our computers, doing our own things. And that's pretty normal, I think. Except every once in a while, one of us will throw a comment out about something, and the other person will respond, and seriously? That's the shit that I missed. I missed him holding me, and I missed kissing him, and I really, really missed hugs, but I also just missed having him around. This is sappy and gross and I'm sorry, but he's my closest friend as well as my boyfriend, and when you take that away, you have a big lonely.
Half pathetic, sure, but I still think it's at least halfway sweet. Oh, and that first hug in the Sacramento airport? Like the best candy in the whole entire world. For just that minute, it was worth it.
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