Work and Wedding Etiquette

This is a sensitvie topic.  It deals with work, but not so much work.  It deals with a personal thing that is encroaching upon my work environment, and it's driving me mad.  I've been going back and forth about whether or not to write about it, because I don't want to be dooced, and I'm concerned that writing about work might lead to that.  It's no secret that I blog, but if anyone here reads this blog, I'm unaware of it, and I've never made the blog address public.  And I don't think I've ever exactly said where it is I work.  So, in thinking about this dilemma, I decided that the best thing to do is to blog things exactly as I would be willing to say them to the people involved in this little kerfluffle.  So that's what I'm going to do.

Librarian Y is getting married this year, in October.  As it happens, on the same day that one of S's best friends is getting married (in California; we will be attending).  I remarked upon this fact one day, since the "Save the Date" card for Librarian Y's wedding was tacked to the ref. desk.  So Librarian Y knows I am attending a wedding out of state.  Librarian Y is marrying a woman who works here.  Not in the library, but on campus. 

Someone (and I'm not quite sure who) decided to hold a wedding shower for this happy couple, which is very nice.  I think it's nice, I really do.  But here's the rub:  not all of us invited to the shower were invited to the wedding.  I cannot explain how horrifically offended I am by this.  I'm not the most formal person ever, and I'm certainly not the biggest stickler for etiquette, but I find this one an egregious breach of etiquette.  I understand why someone might not want to have all their co-workers at their wedding.  I do not fault Librarian Y for that.  I can't imagine attending Librarian Y's wedding, as I barely know him.  But I do not think that I should then be expected to go to a shower and bring a gift and make or buy a food item to serve at said shower.

I don't know if this seems somehow stingy, but I will say that I would have no issue doing this sort of thing for a co-worker who was having a baby.  Or if it was a retirement party, or a birthday party, or so on.  But to do a wedding shower in these circumstances seems insensitive and simply rude.  Downright rude.  I went, of course, and I even spent money on a gift and some ingredients to make punch.  It'd be equally rude for me to protest by not going, or not buying a gift.  And I have to applaud the incredible generosity of my fellow employees who were not invited to the wedding but also spent time and money buying food and gifts, and were generous enough to come to the shower and be polite.  I'm sure some of those people felt as I did, and I'm equally sure that everyone was happy to get out of work for a few hours and attend the shower.

But no matter how I move these facts around in my head, the fact remains that some people are being treated horribly in this situation, and I find it uneccessary.  I've vascillated between guilt and outrage about this, and I'm mostly just settling into unease.  It is, of course, over, so that's that, in the end.  There was a shower, and we were expected to go.  There was no way to refuse, as it was during common work times.  We were expected to provide food and gifts, and we did, as if it was part of our job.  There was no way to say no to that either.  But I find the whole thing perplexing and vexing. 

It felt kind of good to rant about it though.  Maybe that'll erase the bad feelings for me.

To KTla, who raised some good questions:  Yes, other people did come.  Various people from other places on campus came--I assume these are people that either Librarian Y or his fiance are friends with.  One of the woman was the mother of the flower girls--hence the five minute dissertation on the dresses the girls were wearing.  (Because yes, the bride and groom felt free to talk all about the wedding in front of all the people who weren't going.)  I think I would have been okay with the whole thing if either all of us present were invited to the wedding, or none of us were.  And to be honest, I'd probably have less of a problem if we paid "social dues" and then we just bought things for anyone who was celebrating something, out of that social dues fund..  But as it is, that isn't the case.  If I wanted treats on my birthday, for instance, I would have to bring them.  It seems like "social dues" make sense, because then you could buy a little cake for every person, etc etc.  It's not as if we have this HUGE staff and it would be impossible.  We do send around cards for everyone on their birthday, and that's nice. 

It's certainly problematic, because I know I come off a little bitchy here.  And I have no problems with actual bridal showers/baby showers when I know the person involved very well, and I expect to be invited to the wedding/see the baby at some point.  I actually like registries and feel good about buying nice gifts for people.  We've got three weddings coming up, and I loved looking through the registries and trying to decide what to buy.  But I know these people, and I love these people, and I am going to their weddings.  I get to be there when they do the whole "I do" thing, and that tells me that these people value my company (or S's, as it were).  And traditionally, the way to show you value your presence in a couple's life is to give them a gift.  That's not happening at work, and nor should it, for that matter! 

I do want to add one thing:  we don't give birthday presents here.  We instead can choose to donate a few dollars to a charity that the staff has collectively decided to give money to all year long, and that's in lieu of a gift/cake.  I like that.  I frequently donate to that.  If that was the case with the shower, I might be less touchy about the whole thing.  But as I said before, that's not the case.  And now, frankly, there's no chance to see if the situation repeats, because there are no unmarried people here besides me, and I would NEVER have a shower here, and anyway, all of this will be a moot point for me, because I will not have a wedding cermony in the States, and thus will not have to worry about which co-workers to invite and which not to.  And if I were to have a party/reception later on, I think I would just do the right thing, and invite none of my co-workers, because I certainly don't want to have them all.

But that's just me.  And I understand that for some people, these kinds of black and white decisions aren't possible.  Things get muddied up when you become close friends with someone you work with, and that just hasn't happened to me.

Comments

[ktla]

I understand where you are coming from, I think it is rude to invite people to a wedding shower if they are not invited to the wedding, however I am going to point this out. At my work, as you know at a school, teachers throw wedding showers for other teachers all the time, but there is a difference, because we all pay "social dues" at the beginning of the school year, and they use that money to then buy gifts for the showers, whether it be baby or wedding. So I could possibly see where this wedding shower at the library came about, kind of, sort of, was it strictly a library wedding shower, I mean no outsiders came in, did they, then I kind of understand it, but not really, I feel like the school showers make more sense. Just thought I would add my input. However, our showers are always after school, so if you don't feel like going it's no big deal, and no one would notice or care.

[Scott]

that was a long sentence katy! :) Its wierd manogirl. It was as if they didn't want to exclude people, so they did a blanket invite, but forgot that perhaps it would make people feel worse.

[Rita]

I hate work showers. I was sort of offended to be included in an invitation for a work baby shower. She worked on a different floor, in a different department, and I didn't even know her last name. Mostly, though, I was offended because only the women in the building were invited. Like, just because I have a uterus doesn't mean I care about your baby. That was easier, though, because it was held on a different floor, so I just didn't participate. I will participate when the assistant on our floor has a baby shower, because I am friends with her and see her every day.

I think a wedding shower is just different, though. Like I can understand birthday cards/cakes (we do that, too) because everyone gets those once a year. Weddings are just asking for hurt feelings. My coworker recently got married and I was invited to the wedding, but not any of the showers or anything, and they didn't throw a shower at work for him - maybe because he's a him, but I think because it's rude to expect a gift when you're not inviting them to the wedding. I actually think if you're getting married out of the country a shower would be more appropriate because probably no one would go. And so everyone could feel ok. But I'm babbling now.