Yesterday was my annual, and for those male readers out there who don't understand what "annual" means to a woman, well, that's a woman's annual opportunity to get her vagina manhandled (okay, woman-handled in my case) and probed by a metal duck. Maybe I'm not most women, but let me tell you, the words "my annual" strike fear into my heart. Nobody likes these appointments, and the fact that I've got a lifetime of them ahead of me is daunting and maddening.
Anyway, I think everything is okay (though I won't know for a couple of weeks, until the pap is checked or whatever terminology I'm supposed to be using), but I am humbled before my sister, who has been going through this awfulness every three months. I hope her situation resolves itself, so she can back to dreading this thing every 12 months, like the rest of us. But that's not actually what I wanted to talk about. What I actually set out intending to write was a thing about birth control, which is simultaneously the best thing that I've ever done for myself, and the very worst.
I'm on the pill, and have been for four years. When I dated a woman, I felt incredibly glad not to have to be on the pill, because I'm a little suspect of the hormones they're pumping through you, constantly. But when I started dating S, I knew it was only a matter of time before we'd have to face the issue. And I mean, when it all came down to it, the second most effective means of controlling your fertility is the pill, unless you want to use 47 different contraceptive devices at once, and that didn't appeal to me. Plus, as you all know, I am the most paranoid person on the planet. I had a friend in his school that used to say that she knew the first time she had sex she would get pregnant, no matter what form of b.c. she used, simply because she knew the world wanted to punish her that. much. I think I've sort of always harbored that suspicion in my head as well, and so I knew that I didn't want to take any chances.
Hence, the pill. I take the one that supposedly allows you to NOT gain weight, which is quite a bonus in the contraceptive pill world, let me tell you. I know more than one woman who had to go out and buy all new bras after her first three months on the pill. But see, the other side effect of this pill is that it makes you CRAZY. Like, batshit-insane-screaming-paranoid crazy. The kind of crazy that must be impossible to live with. I'm not sure why S puts up with it, except that well, we can probably guess why. The point is, I hate myself when I'm off the pill. I started becoming this person who cried CONSTANTLY for a week. No hot water? Hours of sobbing. Don't want to eat exactly what I want to eat? Hours of sobbing. Don't email me back? Hours of sobbing and the life-encompassing feeling that everyone hates me. It's really that bad.
I'm not sure why I put up with it as long as I did. In fact, the only reason I'm stopping dealing with it is a) my pill maker is now making a low-dose pill and b) what's the use of being on the pill if your libido grinds to a shrieking halt? Which is pretty much where I am right now. I sincerely and utterly have lost all interest in the thing that I was taking the pill to be able to do. It's a freakishly horrible catch-22, and it's making both S and I miserable, and creating lots of ugly tension in our relationship. I'm shocked and surprised that the crazy insane madness hadn't done that ages ago, but S deals with that very efficiently now. He's had four years of practice, after all.
But this is all roundaboutly getting to the point that I STILL distrust the hormones in those little orange (soon to be pink) pills, and yet I can't see any way of getting around taking them. No matter that I like the shorter period they give me, or that they've pretty much quelled the cramps. No, I still think that what I'm doing is essentially not good for me, except that it's great for me. Can't live with them, can't live without them. I'd be a basketcase without them, except that I'm a basketcase while on them. Six of one, half dozen the other. Best, and worst, thing I've ever done in my life.
Suffice it to say that I'm hoping the low-dose pills are a little more...stabilizing, shall we say? It remains to be seen.
I, too went batshit insane on regular-dose hormone pills, though I never had the low libido issue. I switched to Ortho-trycyclene lo and have been (relatively) sane ever since. I highly recommend them. I didn't gain weight with them either, though I also didn't lose what I'd gained with the ones that made me crazy.
Posted by: Rita | September 19, 2006 at 01:31 PM
now see, i have the exact opposite problem as you and I go crazy when I go off the pill. Seriously, ask your sister. I reassure you though that the low dose pills are relatively safe. There is supposedly a slight increased risk of breast/cervical cancer that that is decreased with the new low dose pills. Although just a little tidbit, not getting pregnant by 30 can SLIGHTLY (notice slightly) increase your risk of breast and cervical cancer because of the increased hormones. But that happens whether you take the pill or not.
Posted by: janet | September 19, 2006 at 05:41 PM
When I was on the tri-level pills (several different kinds), they made me nuts. But then I switched to one that was all the same and I had much better luck.
I've been off the pill for over a year now (after 10+ yrs on), and what I miss the most is how much better my skin was. I feel like a high schooler again. Ugh.
BTW, hello and nice to "meet" you.
Posted by: Erin | September 22, 2006 at 02:46 PM