I don't like to be touched. Ever. I don't like to hug anyone, I don't like pats on the back or comforting back rubs. Those things are not comforting to me, or congratulatory or warm. They're awful and awkward, and they make me unhappy.
Lately, it's been especially bad. I cringe when relatives come at me for a hug--though I know they're just trying to show affection. And at home, there are times when I don't even want S to touch me, and he'd long been an exception to the rule (though when busy with something I simply cannot. be. touched.). Mostly, it's when I get home from work, after a long commute, and I feel frazzled and rushed and unable to relax until all my stuff is taken care of. If he's home already, he wants a hug or a kiss, and I just need some time to get to the place where I can do those things.
And though he's known for ages that I can't be bothered when I'm doing something--mostly cooking--he insists on trying to be affectionate during meal cooking times. It drives me UP THE WALL. Our little kitchen gets hot, and I feel harried and rushed during cooking. I don't want to take a break to kiss, or hug. I'm often too sweaty to consider wrapping myself up in another hot body, and I just. need. to. get. food. on. the. table. honey. I think that he gets hurt, or upset when I turn down kisses at that time, but it really is not going to change. It's not personal, it's just how I am. I need to get my shit done before I can consider anything else.
I consider myself an affectionate person, or at the very least a loving one, to people that I do love. I have no problems speaking my love. I can tell S I love him in the middle of cooking dinner. But when that love is meant to be translated to touch, I get squeamish. I'm not talking about strangers here, okay? I can barely hug my mom and dad, and I adore them. I don't think this has much to do with my family, because no one else in it has these sorts of issues with touching. But jesus, it's so hard. I'm pretty sure I REALLY offended someone at my dad's wedding, because she came up to me and put her arms around me and started squeezing/stroking and I barely knew her and all I could think was "Get away, get away, get away." I tried to be nice about it as I tried to get away, but it's really hard to say nicely "Please take your hands off of me right now."
But I'm pretty sure that if someone didn't respectfully get back--well, I'm pretty sure that I could reach panic attack state with just what someone meant to be friendly touching. It's horrifying, in some ways, isn't it? At my college reunion, some girl from my major jumped all over me when learning I didn't like to be touched. It made me hate her a litte bit, I have to say--and she was never someone I had any objection to. I don't know. I hugged a few people today at a baby shower, and it was fine, but it was mostly fine because I was in control of the hug. I mean, I hug my mom, but she can't hug me. Pretty sick. (I bet there's some sort of touch therapy for people like me, isn't there?)
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