Friends and Endings

So it's no secret that I'm really interested in women and friendships.  Obviously, as my last entry proved.  But S and I went to dinner with a friend (who needs to blog more!) who knows intimately all about the situation I was talking about yesterday, and we talked some more about the situation, and my feelings about it.  Of course, that just made me think more about the whole subject; when we finally got home (LONG wait for the bus), I saw the comment from M, which prompted a reply, which in turn caused me to think even harder about the whole thing.

Something that I said in my email to M is that I've never had a conversation with another woman (besides my sister, who doesn't count, because I pretty much would talk about anything with Kate and really actually probably do) about the ending of our friendships.  I've sure as hell had conversations with other women about break-ups (from romantic relationships), and I've listened to friends lament and moan and worry about those break-ups.  But I've never really had to sit down with a woman and comfort her on the loss of a friend.  And I've never really turned to another woman and asked for comfort about the loss of a friend.  And I've never gotten past the emotions, either, and had a serious conversation about the psychology of losing friends, about the devastation it can bring, and about how to deal with it.  Whereas I've had those conversations when they deal with romances. 

And this subject is hard, for me, as a feminist, and I know that sounds strange, but if the personal is political, then the subject of women freezing out other women, ending friendships with other women falls into the category of feminism, at least for me.  I've always been a strong believer that part of being a feminist is nurturing your own relationships with other women, and developing strong bonds with other women.  If you seek to sever those bonds, or have them severed on you (and I'm obviously aware that the friendship I'm the most saddened about losing is with a man, but whatever.  I've also lost women friends, I've also severed friendships with other women.), it is a direct counterpoint to the idea of nurturing those female relationships that you feel so strongly about.   But I also think that there is such a thing as "growing apart", and there are times when a friendship simply cannot stand on two legs anymore.  Relationships seem to naturally ebb and flow, and sometimes cease completely.  With women as well as with men.  Friendships are not exempt from this.

And in fact, I believe that society is teaching us very strange lessons about being women, and having lovers and friends.  We are taught that our primary relationship will be with a man--hence the subversive, offensive nature of lesbianism to society--and that our female friendships are secondary.  Thus, when a friendship ends between two women, it's not a big deal.  As long as we are in a loving, straight relationship, we are square in the eyes of society.  We are okay.  But the disruption of the loss of a friend is more than just something to be shrugged off, as I've said time and again.  It's hard to express this in a way that makes sense, but my love for my friends, in some ways, is not different from the way I love S.  These people may fill different little niches in my heart, but they are in there nonetheless, and you can't rip something out of there without hurting that heart.

We're all aware, of course, of the idea of the woman who ditches her friends for her new boyfriend.  We've all either had a friend like that, or been that woman.  Why do you think that happens?  Because socially, that man is more important to the woman than those friends she's had for possibly many years.  It's a fucked-up system of priority.  Of course, it's important to develop some intimacy, intimacy that might grow and blossom, with someone you think might be a romantic partner.  But not at the expense of the people you love already.  It's a particularly sad way that society has broken down bonds between women, and sought to make women less strong and more dependent on men.  And you know, there are exceptions.  Things are slowly changing.  But I'd say that we've got a long way to go still.

One last thing.  What I've been talking about, in some ways, is pain.  The pain of losing someone dear to you.  Do you think the heart understands the difference between losing one "brand" of love, but not another?  I don't.  I think pain doesn't depend on what type of love it was, but the duration of the relationship, the strength of the love.  You can love your friends harder and deeper than you might love a boyfriend.  Than you might love a lover, a husband.  I do believe that.  (That's not to diminish my love for S in any way.  Part of the reason I love him so intensely is that we were friends long before we started something.)  Pain doesn't follow rules, as love doesn't.  But we naturally have always assumed that losing a friend isn't something that causes deep emotional pain and scars. 

Oh, I beg to differ.  I am proof that it does.

Comments

[Tim]

Here's an article that I apparently read nearly two years ago, but remembered in the context of our conversation last night. After some digging, I found it and I think it's another good voice for what you're saying. The fact that I'm a guy and yet I still remembered reading this article forever ago speaks for itself, I think.
http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/feature/2004/10/04/girlfriends/index.html

[me of yesterday, today and tomorrow]

i always tend to lose the friendships bonded by me and the other women than the other men. I love to have women in my life, but it seems sometimes it turned out to be needy.