So, I'm an assbag. I know I said it once already in the title of this piece (I'm trying to STRESS it), but really, I am.
On Friday, I was talking about the reunion with my pseudo-boss, and I mentioned that part of my hesitation about the whole thing was the prospect of running into my ex. Of course, being the heterosexually-assumptive society we are, she assumed my ex was a him. And here's why I am an assbag: I didn't correct her. I'm not usually such a shitty person about it, I swear. I've told any and every person ever (including persons I hardly know) that I had a girlfriend. I've never been ashamed of the fact (though I'm slightly ashamed of who I dated, because she turned out to be a destructive maniac, both towards herself and me) that I dated a woman, but suddenly, I was in uncharted territory.
And I'm SO mad at myself. Just, angry. Because now if I ever do decide to correct her assumption, she'll wonder, and if I don't, I'll continue to feel small and angry. Again, I'm not sure why it matters if I dated a woman; my pseudo-boss is open and wonderful, and the person who did this job before me was an out lesbian. So it's not even like I should have been afraid of some sort of discrimination, or frosty demeanor on the part of my PB (pseudo-boss). I'm wondering why it felt so awkward to just drop a "she" in the conversation, because like I've said, it never really has before. I suspect that mostly, I'm very conscious of the fact that I want my PB to like me, but like I said, I can't imagine it would have changed the way she thought of me. Then again, I was never party to her relationship with my predecessor, but I know it wasn't the sort of relationship I'm building with the PB.
Regardless, no matter how I turn the matter over in my head, I feel like a gigantic shit. Like it wasn't dating a man that betrayed lesbians I've known and loved, but the cold, hard denial of "she" that did it. It's proof of how fucked up my behavior is that I'm sitting here now thinking about it, and I'm wondering how I can possibly work my ex into a conversation, so I can make it very clear that my ex is a woman. It's just that I know how shitty what I did was, and now I can't figure out how to fix it, without marching into my PB's office and explaining all this, which would probably make things weirder than they are now. I can't quite bring myself to do that, either, even though it might be just the right thing to do.
Argh. I. Am. A. Giant. Ass. Bag.
Nope, you're not. This will work itself out. It will.
Posted by: frog | June 06, 2006 at 12:58 PM