This morning, I stumbled on one of the saddest--and yet intensely interesting--blogs I've ever found. I'm sure that I only think it's so sad because a) I don't read a great lot of sad blogs and b) the subject matter is sad to me, personally.
Sometimes I wonder if S and I aren't getting on a train that only has one stop, at the end, and that stop is break-up central. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it's incredibly hard for me to suss out what S is thinking about us, and about the choices we're making. We're hitting four years on June 11 (or 12, not quite sure of the date), and I'm fighting with myself all the time about the M-word. Rationally, I'm not so sure I want it, but I'm also quite sure that I want S to want it. Does that make sense? And rationally, I know that a little piece of paper doesn't make it any harder for S to wake up and want out. But that's my fear, anyway. I'm afraid that one morning, he'll wake up and realize that he's not where he wants to be and hightail it back to CA.
The fears are unfounded, and I know it. I know he adores me, and I sometimes am scared by how much I love him. And I don't doubt that the move we're planning in July is the right move. It feels right in that place inside me that judges whether things are right--the part that told me the first library job was wrong, and that tells me now that the job I'm in, while it's not perfect, is right--and I'm fairly certain S is looking forward to, plesantly anticipating the move. Any thoughts I have about us breaking up are panicked, uncareful thoughts. They're borne out of my fears of being abandoned, of being tossed aside as I once was. They have nothing, friends, to do with S.
Anyway. Check out that blog, but make sure to start at the beginning. (Also, this is just a random observation--the man writing the blog is someone involved in the Improv community in Chicago, just as my cousin Sketch is. I'm sitting here wondering if they know each other. Small world, right? I discovered the blog through a library blog that I read every morning at work, and I possibly know someone who knows the blogger. Weird.)
*Update: Okay. Things get weirder. In the process of reading the blog, I think I recognize someone I went to high school with. But only tangentially knew. Nah, I convince myself. No way. But later, the aforementioned blogger mentions a friend of this person I think I knew ("Trupe" as named by the blogger) and this friend's name is Quinn. A screenshot of Quinn's blog is featured. Long story short, I DID know that guy from high school, and he is friends with Quinn, someone that I am connected to in myriad ways--my sister had a crush on someone in his band in middle school, S knew Quinn before he knew me, because Quinn's g/f worked at Borders, Quinn and I were at least acquainted in high school, more so than some of those other people. Frankly, this is a little odd. The blogger first is connected (most likely) to my cousin, because they seem to have been at Improv Olympic around the same time, and second, is close friends with someone I went to high school with. Seriously. Odd, right?
Just FYI (wanted your facts to be straight) I did not have a crush on a member of the band (which is still around) in middle school. I dated said member in elementary school. For a very long time.
Posted by: Katie | May 11, 2006 at 10:37 AM