What is an expectation you had as a child about being an adult and, now that you are grown up, you realize you were wrong? (Stolen from Friday's Feast)
The only reason this question is at all answerable is because I've been thinking about this whole issue of being "all growed up" a lot. Most of the time I feel like an "imitation" adult, cobbled together from various parts of baby, child and teenager. (Digression: S and I were talking about my work schedule during a week that I was trying to make up some missed hours, and I told him that I thought I'd go in the next day at 6:45-7:00. He said something to the effect of shit, that's early, followed by "how are you going to get in the building?" And I laughed and said that I was, in fact, one of the "adult" employees of the library, and as such had my OWN key. And then I laughed at the absurdity of it.) I never feel like I'm doing the things that adults should be doing, and sometimes when I walk into my apartment, I'm hit with this wave of strangeness, that I'm at the age where it is no longer appropriate or desirable to live at home.
So in essence, yes, being a "grown up" is incredibly different from what I thought as a child being a "grown up" would be like. Because first of all, I don't feel grown up, and anyway, I was surrounded by families, so my idea of grown up was being a mom/wife or a dad/husband. I don't really remember having too many adults around who weren't doing the same things as my mom and dad. I have a crazy aunt who's always been crazy, ergo she was crazy when I was younger, but she didn't seem like a grown up to me then. My idea of "grown up", then, apparently includes traditional things such as marriage and children. Which is maybe why I don't think I'm "grown up". Maybe I'm still clinging to that childhood definition of "grown up", even though I obviously understand that there are grown-ups in the world running around single and childless and they're clearly adults.
I'm fairly torn about this. I love the idea of never really being a "grown up". That appeals to me, especially as I don't want those hallmarks of adulthood that I identified as a child--suburban house, marriage, kids--and in fact yearn for something very "other". If that makes sense. At the same time, I'm aware that I AM an adult, and that at least from the outside, that's how I'm viewed. (With the students at work, I'm an adult, a boss. Not a peer. Very strange for me to realize.) Which is, of course, 100% logical. But I never said I was good at logical.
I use to think that when I was a grown up I would spend every paycheck on Barbies. :-)
I agree with you that probably a lot of my other expecations about being a grown up (other than limitless funds for Barbies) included marriage and kids. And like you, I at times feel like a fake adult, especially when I am talking to one of my friends who is married and/or has kids. Then again, I don't feel ready to have those things. I guess that means I'm not ready to be a grown up (not that I have much choice given the age I now am).
Posted by: Kelly | April 24, 2006 at 10:12 AM