I very possibly had the worst dream of my life last night. I woke up at 3:30 to use the bathroom, and immediately feel asleep after. At 4:30, I was back up, but this time, I was afraid to go back to bed.
It wasn't conventionally scary--no one was chasing me, I wasn't naked in a public place, it didn't involve public speaking, there was no horrific plane accident/nuclear explosion/war--but it was terrifying nonetheless. I'm even a little afraid to say what it was about in the blog, because it's that bad. To me, it's that bad.
I killed someone. In the dream. It was someone who was a friend of my cousin J, but not a real person. You know what I mean? In the dream, I knew that it was a friend of his, and that's all. It was self-defense, and I only knew that because my cousin Sketch said to me when he started helping me cover it up, "I wish you would have told me about this, because maybe I could have helped." And I responded vaguely about being scared, and about my dad not being willing to help--except that in the dream my dad was a little old Asian man. My mom and my sister were also there--I remember vividly the scene where Kate came upon me in a garden shed (empty) with the gun. I also vividly remember opening and closing the chamber? (place where the bullets go, that's how little I know about guns) and taking out one bullet. I remember cocking? (getting it ready for shooting) the gun and then playing with the bullet some more. When Kate came into the shed, I was scared of something/one, because I aimed the gun at the door that was slowly opening. I think when I saw Kate, I dropped the gun, but I can't be sure. (Apparently, I shot this person, though I don't have any recollection of that part in my dream. The dream sort of picked up after the actual shooting happened.) Anyway, my mom, Sketch and Kate all helped me hide this dead person in a freezer/cooler, because we were on a dairy farm. They were sure no one would discover what I'd done, and we made a getaway, Kate and I in my red car, and my mom and S (who suddenly appeared as we were leaving) in my mom's mini-van. (Except that my mom doesn't have a mini-van.)
I think the press/cops knew that there was a murder, and I think they were saying that this person had been hit lightly by a car earlier in the day, and shot later. He wasn't a nice person, apparently. But the kicker was that I had hit him with my car, and the cops knew because of a paint chip. Except that the body wasn't yet found. I'm not sure. It was confusing. I woke up as we were driving away from the press and the cops and I was TERRIFIED that I'd done something wrong and now I'd be caught and how could I do this? I wasn't the murderous type!
After I woke up, I lay there in bed, my heart racing. I considered reading for a little while to calm down, and stop thinking about the "cover-up" and what I had done--except that I hadn't "done" anything, and it was just a dream. I think I just willed myself back to sleep, but when my alarm went off, I didn't feel well-rested, and I didn't forget the dream. Clearly not, because I'm still thinking about it now. I'm not very big on dream interpretation, because of the way my former therapist explained dreams, so I'm not really interested in how this dream translates. Nonetheless, it was incredibly disturbing then, and I'm still slightly disturbed by it.
I just want to wipe it from my memory. I don't think that's going to happen soon, though.
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