There is a fast and furious discussion going on around the internets about this concept of "false advertising" in reference to women's bodies. To fully understand what I am about to say, you must go read this post, and at least some of the links in it. It's an incredibly interesting discussion, and I wanted to sleep on the issue before I spewed forth my venom. I also want to say that almost without exception, it seems every woman in this discussion is a mother, or is actively pursuing motherhood. That is the impression I get from all the reading I've done. As you know, I am not a mother, nor do I have any desire to be one. But I don't think, in the end, that fact is all that important. I'm just pointing it out in the interests of disclosure.
First of all, the phrase "false advertising" as it relates to human beings makes me want to puke. I hate the thought of myself as some sort of product that I have to "sell" to people. I especially hate the idea that I am a product that S "bought", because it puts me in the position of a slave, in the position of something owned, and I find that repugnant. Ultimately, it puts S in a position of power over me. It gives him the absolute right to have a say in every single thing I do, from the clothes I buy and wear, to the music I listen to, right down to the color I paint my toenails. Now, I feel confident that S wouldn't be such a micro-manager of his assets--I'm pretty sure he'd let me have toenail autonomy. But damn, it's sick to be thinking this way! The issue of control and power in relationships is very important, and to me, it's important that I know that we are equal, in every way. We can't be equal if I see myself as something I "marketed" to him, something that he "bought."
Secondly, I cannot bear people who stop loving someone because they change how they look. If there is anything more certain in life, I'm not sure what it is--people change. We wrinkle, we gray, and yes, we gain weight. Our bodies slow down; it's the natural way. If S expected me to look 25 until I died, well, I'd worry about him. And then I'd break-up with him. Post-haste. I like to think that he accepted our relationship on the understanding that I'm not static. Not in any way, but certainly not in looks.
Let's look at an example. Hair. When he met me, my hair was short. Like, short short. Not even an inch long short. His hair? Long. Down his back, pony-tailed every day. Now? My hair is long, down to my shoulders. Longer than it's been in years. His? Short. As short as mine was when he met me. And in the intervening years, I've had bright red streaks, no color, various lengths, blond highlights and my current red/blond streaks. Do I care how he feels about my hair? Not really. I hope that all he cares about is if I keep it clean. If he's going to break up with me because I color my hair, I don't want him. Sure, it's a bonus if S likes my hair as much as I do, but I'm not letting anyone dictate how I can and can't wear my hair. Point blank.
And I really feel this way about every single appearance issue we can talk about (short of the issue of hygeine, which is a completely different issue; I don't consider weight a hygeine issue--cleanliness is a hygeine issue). If he doesn't love me no matter what I look like, then he doesn't love me. And he's amazing on that count. He never cared what I weighed, and he doesn't care now. He didn't understand when I started WW, because he thought I was beautiful. He thinks I'm beautiful now, and he never, ever mentions any sort of difference. And damn it, that's how I want it. I want to know that my worth to him has NOTHING to do with how I look, and everything to do with who I am. His worth to me can't even possibly be measured in appearance, so I don't think he can measure mine that way.
I'm not sure what else to say about this, except that all the issues that come up in the discussion after this relate to how, as a society, we've become obsessed with fat. And I hate it. I obviously struggle with it, and I hate reading stories of women who think it's okay to condemn themselves (and others) for carrying a few extra pounds. For being a 6 instead of a 4, a 16 instead of a 14, and so on. It seems to me that instead of being unhealthily obsessed with this, and thinking our partners have a right to be obsessed with our weight, we just need to be, to just exist. It's a struggle, there's no doubt about it. And I can't imagine how much worse it would be for me if I had a partner that said hurtful things about my weight. I can't imagine staying with a person who did say hurtful things about my weight, first of all. But I especially can't imagine the struggle for self-esteem; I struggle enough, and S is perfect about this sort of thing. It is, I think, the height of cruelness for any partner to add to the hurt and struggle by saying something, no matter how helpful or positive they think they're being. I sincerely can't imagine what would compel someone to do such a thing. It only ever hurts.
So I guess, long story short, the answer to the question is: No. No, you don't have a responsibility to look a certain way for your partner. You don't have to live up to some non-existant promise that you'd always look the way you do now. You don't have to lose or gain weight at the pleasure of your partner, and you don't have cut your hair or shave your legs or wear make-up or not for him/her. All you have to do is be the person you are, and hope that the two of you love each other enough to weather the changes each of you will go through. Superficial and otherwise.
Comments