Yesterday, my sister talked about comparing herself to her peers, and the feeling that she is coming up short when she looks closely at accomplishments. Her question, ultimately, is really a question of how we define accomplishments and success, and I think, how we play the game when our concepts of these things don't match up to everyone else's. For the record, I struggle everyday with the same issues. And I'm not sure if it's our generation (I suspect it's not entirely that), or some unique cocktail of things that's produced the same mindset in two sisters. (It's a little too early to tell if my brother Litty will feel the same. I suspect he will, but there's no way to really know.)
The truth is, my concept of success, in my head, has nothing to do with my job or with money. It doesn't even really have anything to do with if I earn another degree (though it's something that I'd love to do, simply because I love love love learning). It certainly has nothing to do with marriage or kids, because I don't aspire, really, to either of those things. I know that many, many members of my generation (hell, members of my extended family) consider all those things markers of a successful life. That I do not (and that Kate does not) makes us exotically different, at times. (Try explaining to 95% of the population that you are a woman who doesn't want children, and you will get pretty much the same reaction from every single one of them: you're an oddity and an aberration, and anyway, you reallly do want kids, you just don't know it yet. You'll have kids, wink wink nudge nudge. But that's another entry completely.)
So, the question is, if I don't consider any of those aforementioned things to be the definition of success, what do I consider success? And the answer is, I don't know. Some days I feel like I'm a success just because I got out of bed. Other days, I feel like a failure and a loser. Most days, I just feel lucky that I get to love so many incredible people. That seems like the highest form of success that I can comprehend, being allowed to have so much love in my life. If that seems like a saccharine answer, fine. But it is really how I feel. I am possibly the least ambitious person ever, simply because I am allowed to be, by dint of who I was born to. I recognize that, and feel lucky, too, that I am allowed to say that success for me is to be loved and to love. It's an answer with a certain amount of privilege behind it, and there is simply nothing that I can say to change that except that I am aware of how lucky I am.
At the same time, I would be lying if I said that I don't feel insecure and lame in comparison to some of my peers. Even though I don't want to measure myself in the same ways they do, I am aware of what some of them must think about my slacker ways. Most days, I don't care. Some days, I'm indignant. And other days, I wonder what it would cost me to try to live my life that way; I wonder if I even could, and feel pangs of sadness. For them, or for me, I'm not sure. And I'm not even THAT different. I have a job, and a steady boyfriend. I have plans for the future. It is only because I am keenly aware that this is not the life I want to end up with. This is not where I want to be in 10 years, and where I want to be in ten years seems to be very far removed from where my peers want to be. It is perhaps my future that sets me apart.
I will just leave you with a few quotations about success...Success is not something you have to measure against your peers. It's not a race or a contest with an end. It's an attitude; an understanding of what is really important to you. I think the fact that you recognize that loving and being loved is a biggie, puts you well on your way to success. I have never thought you a slacker or a loser. You are a shining star in my life. What you DO or don't DO with a career or in endeavors that matter to others is insignificant. Those that truly matter and truly know will not foist their measures of success on you. If they try, tell them to fuck off.
Here are the quotes.
If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded."
-Maya Angelou
If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all.
Anna Quindlen
(1953 - )
Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.
Arthur Rubinstein
US (Polish-born) composer & pianist (1886 - 1982)
Posted by: Dad | February 03, 2006 at 09:47 AM