Two things

Lately, I've been experiencing two very troubling things.  One, I miss smoking.  A lot.  I cannot shake the desire to have a cigarette after a meal.  This is recent; I don't always feel as if I need a cigarette.  In fact, it's partly a desire to de-stress.  I'm so f-ing stressed right now it's obscene, and I know that cigarettes calm me down.  So I want to eat copious amounts of food to make the stress go away, and then I want to chain smoke to digest and relax.  This is bad.  Bad, bad, bad.  I haven't as yet done either thing.  I'm being pretty damn good when it comes to food, only indulging half-way.  And I haven't yet smoked, though I was at my dad's last night, and thought, "I bet I could find a cigarette around here somewhere."  I didn't, which is important, but I so wanted to.  And I haven't yet bought a pack, which is something I canNOT do.  I can't buy a pack; it's all downhill from there.  It's a battle.

The other thing that is making me wary is my inability to make eye-contact with people.  Certain people.  I'll look anywhere but in the eyes of these people.  It makes me feel impotent and hesitent, like a little girl.  I hate it.  Generally, this happens with people that I really like, and that I want to like me, and who I feel might not like me.  I think that I feel like these people have all the power in the situation, and like a cornered animal, I'll do anything to avoid confrontation with the person.  I play it cool, I think, except for the eye contact.  I absolutely am aware that this is happening while it's happening, and in my head, I think, "I need to make more eye contact!  I MUST prove that I'm not nervous or scared.  Look in his/her eyes!  LOOK, DAMN YOU."  Seriously.  It happened last night, and this is exactly how it went in my head.  But instead of maintaining steady eye contact, I walked away.  Yes, I ended a conversation, to avoid the whole thing. 

Part of the reason I hate this so much is that it seems typically submissively feminine.  It's not that I mind being feminine, but that I mind being so submissive.  It's very, very unlike me.  And I don't want to be that girl, who demurs to everyone.  I think part of this is my insecurity about things right now--and my sense of teetering on the edge of something--and part is just my freakin' desire to be liked by certain people.  It's pretty unfamiliar territory, because usually if someone doesn't like me, I could give two shits.  This is different, I guess.

So, two things:  MUST NOT SMOKE, and MUST MAKE EYE CONTACT.

Comments

Not smoking is more important than making eye contact. DON'T START SMOKING AGAIN! I guess true extroverts have it easier in the world than we introverts...Oh well. S.N.