Of Diamonds and Silk

I'm deeply ambivalent about marriage; though I've said on more than one occasion that I'd like to marry S (and like to scare him by saying the scary "m" word), I'm still not convinced.  It's not that I'm not convinced about S, it's that I'm not convinced about marriage in general.  Don't get me wrong--for the majority of my life, I've been marketed the concept of the "fairy-tale" wedding.  If Princess Diana's wedding started the craze, then I've been living through the craze.  I had no pre-wedding craze life; I was two when Diana and Charles got married.

In high school, I looked through those Bride magazines when I went to Borders, because Oh! the dresses are so pretty, and Wow! the rings are so brilliantly beautiful.  I probably did some adolescent dreaming about my wedding--some of that dreaming holds through even now; I've always known that if I got married someday, I'd like to have bridesmaids in pale yellow dresses carrying daffodils.  It's only within the last four years or so that the IF has gotten bigger and bigger. 

It's not that I don't want to share my life with someone (S) or that I don't believe in forevers, because I do.  In fact, my uneasy relationship to the institution of marriage started when I dated a woman; when most of the people I associated with were lesbians.  And even after that first, horrible relationship fell apart, I was still uneasy about that fact that some of the people that I loved most in the world for some strange reason weren't allowed the same rights that I would (if I dated a man at some point) be allowed.  That uneasiness only increased as I started dating S, because now I WAS dating a man, and now I was privy to rights that these friends wouldn't be. 

But.  I can feel within myself the pull to be married.  So many people that I know seem to be inching that way; or have already inched that way.  I (hate to say) like the idea of a rock (tasteful, of course) on my finger, something I feel deeply ashamed about.  I can't justify a blood trade; I shouldn't buy into the shameful marketing ploy that diamonds are to be valued.  Regardless.  I feel these things within me.

I do know that I would have an unconventional marriage (and wedding) were it to occur.  I don't understand anymore much of what a wedding (not the marriage part of it) comprises.  The individual elements are all things that I don't believe in or have problems with.  I'm not religious, so there goes that part of the wedding.  I HATE HATE HATE the idea that I am to be given away, from one man to another, and would absolutely refuse that part of a ceremony.  I'm my own person, not a piece of property to be transferred from one man to another; if I choose to enter into a partnership with someone, that's fine.  In fact, the whole walk down the aisle seems pretty lame to me.  As if S was waiting for me; also, the drama of me "giving myself away" even seems wrong.  I'm not giving anything away; S will never possess me, as I will never be able to possess him.  Of course, I think the vows are ridiculous; I would insist on my own vows, as I could never say the traditional vows with a straight (HA!) face.  Frankly, what this sounds like, to me, is me and someone else getting up in front of a crowd and saying "I love you" to one another.  I'd rather not pay thousands of dollars for that; I wouldn't mind the world knowing I love S, but do I need a ceremony for that?  Maybe some people think so.

Furthermore, there are parts of a traditional marriage that I can't live with.  I would never, ever change my name.  I've lived with this name for 26 years, and I don't want another one.  I like this one.  I suppose that if S wanted to take my name, it would be okay, but I would 100% understand if he didn't.  I don't want that for myself; how can I expect him to want it?  And what about all the things that the word wife conjures up?  It's hard to think of myself as a wife, because all the things that the word wife mean to me are not too attractive.  I know that there are women out there who remain independent of the connotations of the word "wife" after they marry, but I have such a hard time thinking that I could do that.  I don't want to be S's wife, ever.  I want to be his partner, point blank.  Wife, I'm sorry to say, hardly reminds one of equality.

Because let's face it, marriage has hardly been an institution that is about women.  It's long been about property and money; about people trading something (a woman) for another (land?  cows?  goats?  money?  dry goods?  power?  prestige?).  I'd hate to be thought of as a "something", even if marriage is not necessarily about those things any longer.  (Though I don't fool myself into thinking that some marriages aren't still based on those very things.  Could it be said that the Clinton marriage was about power?  I don't know; only Bill and Hillary know that.)  In fact, I hate the role that wives are often forced to play in our society.  Men in power need to have "traditional" wives: content to sit in the background and smile and bake cookies.  It's fucked up, and it just goes to show how much of America is still looking at the woman in a marriage as a subservient figure to the male.  The SECOND sex.  Why do I want to buy into that power structure, even if my own marriage is completely removed from that?

The truth is, I'm not sure that I do want to.  Like I said at the beginning of this post, I'm deeply ambivalent about marriage, and I'm not sure that's going to change anytime soon.  I'm okay with it, and I'm pretty sure S is too, if his reaction to the "m" word is any clue.....

(This post was inspired by Anne Kingston's book, The Meaning of Wife, which is a very interesting read.  I'd especially recommend it to any woman who is unsure about marriage, or even any unmarried woman, relationship or not.)

Comments

[Yalie]

FYI - there's an Episcopal Church here in CT that is refusing to hold ANY marriages in their church until gay couples are afforded the same rights to marry that straight couples are. I think that's a pretty cool way to take a stand on the issue.