S and I just finished the movie. We both thoroughly enjoyed it, though it really highlighted how very conventional I am about sex and sexuality. (Although it could be argued that in many ways, both he and I are unconventional in our sexualities. Still, that's not the point of this post.) I simply mean that I somehow cannot separate the act from the emotions. The thought of taking pleasure elsewhere while my heart is so tied to S is foreign, and it makes me nervous. And the thought of him doing the same thing bothers me.
These sorts of attitudes bother me too, so frankly, I'm just tangled mess. I don't like the idea of living so strictly within codes like this. I love S, and I cannot fathom how I could begrudge him something that might make him happy, but I could. Oh, could I ever. Even if he told me that nothing on the planet could come between us, and that all extra-relationship sex was just sex, I don't think I could stay with him. It always amazes me when people are able to separate love and sex, because I cannot, even though theoretically, I think the two can and should be separated, in as much that sex does not equal love, and love isn't always sexual.
I know all this rationally, but I cannot be rational where love is concerned. And isn't that as it should be? It's impossible to quantify love, to place conditions on it, or to make it into reasonable rules. I just don't think that love will listen to rationalities. Maybe it's an incurably romantic way to view sex and love, but I cannot school myself to feel any other way. Possibly, I give myself too little credit, and I do in fact love S so much that I could forgive him other sexual relationships. I don't know. Possibly, I would feel different about this if I wasn't in love at all. I can't speak to that either.
Probably, it all doesn't matter, because as much as I think this is important, it has very little to do with the day-to-day living of our lives. Kinsey simply reminded me of how pedestrian my sexual values really are.
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