I've been thinking a lot about this topic, ever since the "Inflammatory" post. In it, I wondered if my parents ever thought about the world they'd be leaving us, which is in some ways an extension of the dynamic between parents and children. My thinking has really spun away from that line of thinking, and more to the jumble of thoughts that deal with respect, approval, and indebtedness.
My parents have been amazing parents (and let's realize that I come at this topic only as a child). Mostly supportive, and sometimes open to my opinions and feelings. Only sometimes. I don't necessarily think that this is odd; most parents that I know have some sort of misgivings about the ideas and feelings that their children have. S's parents would probably be horrified if they knew his true feelings about their belief system (a very religious one). So if you asked where my parents stood on that scale (from very receptive to only sort of), I'd say that were pretty close to the very receptive end of the scheme. My mom, I think, is very uneasy with the idea that her children are godless heathens, but seems fairly okay with the fact that we're raging liberals. Conversely, my dad's own beliefs are probably more akin to us when it comes to religion, but I think he's not-so-happy that we're such radicals. They were both more than okay (always) with my relationship with my ex-girlfriend, and positively wonderful to my friends at that time--the ones going through horrible times with their families. I knew I was lucky, let's put it that way.
But regardless of how supportive, or not supportive, they've been, I'm always conscious of how much I long for their approval. Even though many of the ways I view the world are fundamentally different from my parents, I want them to tell me that it's okay that I feel the way I do. Irrationally so, because I could never tell them the same. (Obviously, that's not in all things. Again, look at the above example.) But I think that this desire for approval, to some extents, will never go away. Depending on your parents, we're talking about possibly the most influential people of your early life. These people give you some sort of belief system (hopefully) for most of your formative years, and if you decide to go against that in some way, it feels very uneasy. I want my parents to like me, and so I want them to approve of me and my life. Maybe everyone doesn't feel that way, but I definitely still do, in some ways. I'm getting better, but still not great.
I think too, that with approval, I crave respect. I mean, though you spend your life (in some instances, I suppose not) yoked to these people (or even the idea of these people), you don't come out of the womb with your parents' respect. And you don't necessarily have to respect them, right? It's good when you can somehow come to respect these people who are part of you, and who you are part of. It's part of growing up, I think. But sometimes, the beliefs of both parties get in the way. I'm not trying to say that I don't respect my parents, because mostly, I do. But I guess that I don't always feel respected. Or maybe I don't often feel respected.
I still sometimes feel very much like a little girl, who isn't capable of thinking deeply about the things I've come to believe. But I'm that age now, where I'm not a little girl, and unlike some people, I can't be a little girl forever. I just can't take very well to the idea that I still need to be "parented", per se. I do need my parents, and I always will. But I just don't want to be treated like one of the "less than" members of a family that consists of two adults and three children. Not anymore, it doesn't. In so many ways.
So yeah, that's what I've been thinking. And I've made it seem ultra-dramaculous, as always, but it's not so much. These are the dramaculous thoughts that go along with a very non-dramaculous issue. I promise.
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