When you battle depression, small things take on great big buckets of meaning. If your boyfriend says he's just not in the mood, you think that your relationship is a big fireball of doom, and that he couldn't possibly be attracted to you anymore and therefore, doesn't love you anymore. If you burn the toast, it's because you're incompetent. If you can't sleep at night, it's because you're cracking up, and the exhaustion you feel the next day is clearly because you're a sub-par human being, who can't keep up with the rest of the world. And if your friendships drop away, well, clearly it's because you suck as a person. Who would want to be your friend?
I'm not depressed now, at least, I'm not depressed the way I was in November and December. Things seem bright to me again, and small things are small things again. But I am still caught up on the last question. Who would want to be my friend? I think this because one of my friendships is over, for all intents and purposes. And I so loved this person that it is bewildering to wake up one day and think that the person just stopped liking you. Just stopped feeling all the things that made the friendship good, deep. Because this wasn't just a drinking-in-the-bar friendship--this was a sibling type relationship. For me. And I wonder now, if I was alone in that; and if I was, how stupid am I? How boringly stupid. How ridiculously naive. I miss this person every day, and yet, I was disposable for them.
I question myself all the time. Am I that desert-able? I know things changed, but I don't know how. I couldn't save the friendship, because, it is clear now, it did not want to be saved by anyone but me. I feel like a fool, like a sad, blind fool. And I'm afraid. I'm desperately afraid of this happening again and again in my life. I keep people (and the idea of people) at arm's length. I can feel it happening, and I know that I am hungry for close friends, but that I am terrified to actually act on that hunger. I don't want to love so hard and lose again. It's a simple fear, really. I'm afraid of abandonment, and to be abandoned (and that's what it feels like), well, that just makes every step forward ten times harder.
How do I get past this? How do I trust people enough to start letting them in again? Whoever thinks that breaking up with a lover is harder than breaking up with a friend is insane--because it's just as fucking hard. It hurts just as much. It all depends on how much you let people in. And I really did it with this person, and it bit me in the ass. And now I'm scared shitless; and I can't seem to go backwards or forward on this issue. I hate it, and a part of me hates this person for doing this to me. But if they called every day, from tomorrow on, I'd be their best friend again. I forgive easily. But that's a pipe dream--not going to happen. So how do I condition myself to accept that?
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". The risk and magnitude of hurt when you let people in and they leave on you is directly proportional to the joy you experience when you let them in and they stay. If you want to feel joy you have to risk pain...there isn't any way around that. You learn to temper the pain by focusing on the joy. Even if someone was in your life for a short time, remember the joy, the good things and choose to discard the bad feelings. As an intelligent being we are capable of making this kind of choice.
You should watch "This Old Cub" if you want to see someone that has chosen to remain thankful and positive for what he has and had and not bitter over that which he lost. In the face of incredible misfortune and pain this is one man that never settled for self pity or negativity. Very inspiring.
Like a really good bottle of wine, I'm sad when it's done but have no regrets about enjoying it while it was around! I just keep my options open so that I don't miss the next one.
Posted by: Dad | April 20, 2005 at 09:39 AM
My former sister-in-law was one of my best friends. We were closer to each other than we were to our own sisters and expressed our love for each other regularly. Now she won't acknowledge that I exist. She didn't even acknowledge the wedding gift that I sent her. I still cry when I talk about how disappointed I am to have lost this friend. Like you, I'd take her back in a heartbeat. My solace comes in knowing that I didn't do anything wrong and knowing that ultimately, it's her loss. But I don't regret the love we shared and I won't give up on having it again with someone else. Friendships like that build slowly so just open your heart and give your trust one step at a time.
Posted by: M | April 20, 2005 at 09:46 AM
I highly recommend you read the book Secrets & Confidences (it's posted on my blog) - a good collection of essays by women addressing the issues w/adult friendships. There's a particularly interesting one about the friendship break-up.
Posted by: comebacknikki | April 21, 2005 at 09:50 AM