Redirect, your honor

I don't want children.  Point blank, I do not see myself as a mother, and I never have.  I can't imagine bringing a child into my home; I can't imagine dealing with society and its expectations for me as a mother.  I can't imagine being a stay-at-home mom; I can't even imagine nurturing.  I can't keep a fucking plant alive, for god's sake.

That said, I'm honestly baffled by yesterday's Oprah.  (I tivo Oprah just in case something REALLY good is on, and boy, did I hit it today.)  Ayelet Waldman, an author, stay-at-home mom and former lawyer, published a column that stated that she loves her children, but is not in love with them.  She's in love with her husband, and he comes first.  Fuck, what a relief.  To hear someone say out loud  what I think all the time, well, it's nice.  When I hear women saying that they watch Oprah while their husband "does his business on top" of them, I want to fucking cry.  I'm not willing to sacrifice my romantic life for children, which is what happens so often these days.  (Forgive me, moodge and poodge and assorted other grown-ups and sister and people who don't want to hear this, but I feel that it is a priority for S and I to have sleep together/make love/have sex at least four times a week.  We've been really good about making it a priority, minus that whole depression period in my life.  And I can't imagine a time where it will not be a priority.  I'd rather make my relationship with my lover a priority than have children.)  I'm simply confused about how a woman could choose to put her relationship with the man she wants to live with FOREVER on the back burner--your kids leave, and in this situation, your husband might too.

Look, I'm not saying that kids aren't important, and that you can't devote time and love and the best intentions towards them.  But killing your relationship with your husband is going to be more detrimental to the lives of your children than almost anything that you'd give up to spend time with him.  I'm seeing how hard it is to maintain a relationship without children--it's work!  it's hard!--and I can't imagine the effort needed afterward.  But what is this man?  A sperm donor?  No, he's the man you yoked your life to, and if you forget that, you'll lose more than you ever thought you could.

And the outrage that other moms directed at Ayelet, well, it made me think that we're raising a generation of children that have a totally skewed view of life.  These children will not understand how to balance a life; how to love someone romantically; how to NOT be the center of the universe.  These children are growing up with mothers who view them as companions and THEY'RE NOT.  A child is a child.  Not a friend (though if you're lucky, you can develop a friendship with them later on in life), and not a replacement for a life partner.  Who are these people, these mommy-bots? 

Grrrrrr.  Just, Grrrrrr.

Comments

[Tim]

This is going to be a surprise, but I don't watch Oprah. I do, however, read Ayelet Waldman's column on salon.com, and her husband wrote one of my favorite books. That said, I think you're missing a crucial distinction. She decided to have children. You're saying you don't see yourself as a mother and, consequently, do not plan to have children. Waldman seems to feel similarly and yet had children anyway. I don't think she needs to be in love with her kids, but a different column she wrote recently indicated that she doesn't really know how to be a mother either. She was writing about her depression, as I recall, and was discussing her near-suicide attempt with a friend loudly enough that her 7-year-old heard her and, understandably, freaked out. So, while you may sympathize with her feelings toward motherhood, your position is considerably more responsible than hers.

[Manogirl]

I think you're partly right, Tim. She tends towards irresponsible. But at the same time, I think that no matter if you have kids or not, your primary relationship is with your lover/partner. And I think that kids appreciate knowing that their mom and dad love each other.
I honestly can't say if Waldman is truly an irresponsible mother. She might be. But I think what she's saying rings true. I should have mentioned that the "slacker mom" has written a book as well, about the subject. I found her very compelling as well.