I could've called this post "A Long December" because in a very cliched way, the song feels like my life right now. And as for a sweeping reflection on the year that was, I feel like just saying 'good riddance'.
I'm one of those people who never really GOT New Year's Eve. Maybe it's because in my childhood, we never did anything, and I don't remember my parents ever doing anything. I also don't see the point in going out and getting drunk just so at midnight you can scream "Happy New Year" and try to scam a kiss out of someone. Unless you're attached, of course, which means you have kiss security. Which I am, but when I was single, it all seemed kind of desperate. I have gone to my share of parties, and even once a house party in PA. Which oddly enough ended up being my worst New Year's ever. S and I have made it a habit to have quiet little nights, just spending time together, and treating it rather normally. I think that last year we may have even fallen asleep before midnight. Tonight, we're going to a movie, and then we'll come home and probably do nothing. We might grab a quick dinner before the movie, but that is really the extent of our plan.
I used to feel guilty about this lack of desire to go out and get crazy, but now it just feels good. I rather dislike the pressure of getting all dolled up to do nothing but drink copious amounts of alcohol. I feel lucky that S feels the same way. (We also both feel very ambivalent about the Fourth of July. Neither of us like fireworks. Neither of us love barbecues, or drinking. And neither of us like roller coasters, though that has nothing to do with the Fourth of July. It just strikes me as lucky, is all.)
Anyway, it's been a long year, and a really awful one at times. I've gotten some things I really wanted, and I didn't get some things I really wanted. I got rejected by the University of Illinois. I moved in with my boyfriend. And now, I'm trying really hard to make a path for myself, into some strange future. The turning of another day won't make it harder, or easier, but will just mean that I'm one day closer to going back to school--a school that I hate, but need. A new year isn't going to change where I wish I was, or what I thought I wanted. The thing is, my new year didn't start in January, last year. It started in July. So I can't turn over a new leaf, or start again. I have to wait for August for that. So tonight? It feels no different from any other night.
***Though if you know the situation, and some of you do, I will be getting a long awaited answer to a question tonight. That's one thing I've been waiting for two years for, so YAY!
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