I've been watching what I say for four days now, and I'm about ready for it to be over. There's so many rules about what you can and can't say to some people. Abstractly, certain things are not to be discussed with certain people who only enter my life at the behest of someone else in it. I know this is confusing, but I'm trying to be diplomatic. Anyway, it's very unlike me to avoid topics of conversation. Do you want to talk about your sex life? Mine? That's fine with me. I realize that this embarrasses some people, but I'm not one of them. Anyway, I'm tired of things being frowned on.
And I hate that little internal restriction that prevents me from talking to S about things in front of these people that I barely know. I'm not that anxious to air my uh, idiocies in front of strangers. I have my quirks, and S understands them. But others might not be so understanding, and if there is one thing I don't want, it's his friends disapproval of me. I think S is one of the best people I've ever known, and I'm highly conscious of the idea that people might think I'm not good enough for him. What I know about S and I, and what other people know about S and I are very different things. It's not very like me to care what people think of me, and frankly, caring about this and not wanting to care about this is ripping me right in half.
It's really hard to express any singular deep thought about a relationship. It's hard to explain why it works the way it does; to an observer I think sometimes we look insane. And this whole having guests who are never around him and never around him and I, well, it complicates things. I think he's changed enormously in the five or so years he's been in this state. And I think that he's changed even more in the time frame of our relationship. I've known him for three years now, and he's changed visibly to me. His friends from far, far away only still know him as the nerdy, shy kid he was in high school. And I think there's such a dichotomy between S then and S now. And I think sometimes they aren't able to see the value of having a new, better S.
Anyhow, I love him and admire him, and I love seeing him change. But those changes get erased when his old friends visit, and it saddens me. It exhausts me. I'm looking forward to the end of this, just so I can relax, and really, just so he can relax too.
Comments