Quodlibets

I just finished Never a

I just finished Never a City So Real, by Alex Kotlowitz. It's a part of the Crown Journeys series; all sorts of authors write brief books about their favorite places. So far, this is the first one I've read, but I plan to pick up the one about Rome, and possibly the one by Michael Cunningham, simply because I enjoy his books.

I think I loved this book so much because at heart, I truly and completely love this place. I feel this insane attachment to the surburban Chicago area, and to Chicago. Some of S's friends used to make fun of him after he first moved here, saying derisive things about the Midwest. I think they forgot Chicago, and until some of them visited, I think they considered Chicago a lame substitute for a big city. Which it's totally not. I've been to a lot of cities, and I have only ever felt at home in two of them: Chicago, and Rome.

I've been to a lot of places, really. But only two places make me feel that peculiar combination of comfort and excitement that signal 'home'. Even if I've loved a vacation, loved a place, the sight of Chicago from an airplane just fills me with relief, and gratitude that I'm back. And the truth is, I love a lot of places. I feel like there are a lot of places that I could visit often. But secretly, inside me, there is the fear that I can only live in two places: Chicago and Rome.

Rome is (as so many of you know) one of my greatest passions, and I'm never puzzled by it. The first time I stepped on the ground there, something inside of me clicked on, and I felt at home instantly. It might sound melodramatic, but I was never homesick there. I never wanted to be back here. The second time I went back, with S and another of our friends, the emotion was so great that it brought me to tears. I felt like falling on my knees and kissing the ground. But for the dirt, I might have. I was lucky, I think, that my passion somehow transferred to S, who seems to love Rome just as much as I do. If only he liked the Midwest as much.

I live in fear that one day he'll announce his desire to move to California, and I'll go. I'll go because I love him, and I made a deal with myself long ago that I'd follow a code which has us taking turns picking where to live. But I feel uneasy knowing that I would never fully feel at home in California. I've been, and I never experienced the at-homeness of Rome or here. I feel uneasy in general, thinking about living someplace else. Unless that someplace else is Rome.

Lately, everyone seems to be

Lately, everyone seems to be talking about blogging and politics. The subject has received quite a bit of press (most of which I found less than interesting, actually), and a few of the blogs I read have had mentions of the subject. My sister wrote about how she really doesn't want to talk about politics on her blog, for fear of offending/alienating her Republican friends. Janet, my sister's friend, has blogged already about politics a couple of times. Mostly on a very personal level, but still, opinions were expressed.

I'm of two minds about the subject. I understand my sister's position (though I'd bet most of my friends aren't Republicans. Or conservative even.) but I can't help but talk about politics. It's important, dammit! Not politics the game, but what happens when you vote. It's important, and if I stopped believing in that, I think this country would be in a dire situation. I think for me to lose faith in the system, a lot would have to go wrong. And I think a lot of people would argue that the last election was proof that a lot did go wrong. That's valid. My point is, though, is that at heart, I just care that you vote. I have hope that you'll make a sound decision. I want you to make the same decision as me. But if you don't, as long as you vote, then I don't care.

I was tossing around this idea of having an election night party. I thought it would be fun, and since it is my sister's birthday, I thought I could make it a birthday party too. Now, I've sort of decided not to do this, based on any number of factors, but the whole idea was to get people to vote by making attendane conditional on voting. It's still not a bad idea, but I just don't thinkI can execute it. Not in this tiny apartment.

So are there any conclusions to this post? Not really. I think that if it is important to me, I'll blog on it. And politics is important to me. Try as I might, I just cannot leave off because of the risk of someone taking offense.

I've been watching what I

I've been watching what I say for four days now, and I'm about ready for it to be over. There's so many rules about what you can and can't say to some people. Abstractly, certain things are not to be discussed with certain people who only enter my life at the behest of someone else in it. I know this is confusing, but I'm trying to be diplomatic. Anyway, it's very unlike me to avoid topics of conversation. Do you want to talk about your sex life? Mine? That's fine with me. I realize that this embarrasses some people, but I'm not one of them. Anyway, I'm tired of things being frowned on.

And I hate that little internal restriction that prevents me from talking to S about things in front of these people that I barely know. I'm not that anxious to air my uh, idiocies in front of strangers. I have my quirks, and S understands them. But others might not be so understanding, and if there is one thing I don't want, it's his friends disapproval of me. I think S is one of the best people I've ever known, and I'm highly conscious of the idea that people might think I'm not good enough for him. What I know about S and I, and what other people know about S and I are very different things. It's not very like me to care what people think of me, and frankly, caring about this and not wanting to care about this is ripping me right in half.

It's really hard to express any singular deep thought about a relationship. It's hard to explain why it works the way it does; to an observer I think sometimes we look insane. And this whole having guests who are never around him and never around him and I, well, it complicates things. I think he's changed enormously in the five or so years he's been in this state. And I think that he's changed even more in the time frame of our relationship. I've known him for three years now, and he's changed visibly to me. His friends from far, far away only still know him as the nerdy, shy kid he was in high school. And I think there's such a dichotomy between S then and S now. And I think sometimes they aren't able to see the value of having a new, better S.

Anyhow, I love him and admire him, and I love seeing him change. But those changes get erased when his old friends visit, and it saddens me. It exhausts me. I'm looking forward to the end of this, just so I can relax, and really, just so he can relax too.

Because I felt like being

Because I felt like being smart again.

I absolutely hate being condescended to. I hate being talked to like I'm either 12 or foreign. I'm having this problem in class, because I can't (and I mean, utterly cannot) respect someone who refuses to talk to me like an equal. I'm pretty much sure that every time I go to class I'll have this thought: "Why the fuck didn't I get into the MLS program at U of I?"

I feel it keenly all the time. My family and especially S, have been really, really supportive. And everyone has made it clear to me that it wasn't a failure on my part. But how hard it is to see it that way when my classes are filled with people who can't ask or answer a damn question! I wish that things were different, I do. I wish I had gotten into that program so I didn't have to sit through 4 hours of sheer boredom. I mean, I know it's good for me. And I know that many library directors consider an LTA as good as an MLS. The difference is about 10,000 big ones, apparently. But I know that I'm better than this.

I deserve a class where everyone is sure that library work is what they want to do. I deserve a class where everyone has a BA, and knows how to go to a webpage. I deserve a teacher who considers me an intelligent human being. And I am just not getting any of this. I'm going to finish this, because I need it. But as soon as possible, even if it coincides with a full-time job, I'm starting MLS courses. I need to do it to feel like myself, to feel like there are no limits on how fast my brain can go.

I'm so sick and tired

I'm so sick and tired of hearing John Kerry described as a flip-flopper. It's not as if Bush hasn't flipped and flopped. Four years ago he said he would renew the ban on assault weapons, but then he didn't do it. And that's not the point anyway.

I'm not quite sure that changing your mind is a sign of weakness. To me, it signifies an intelligence. Frankly, I would respect Bush a little bit more if he recognized the um, massive and irreparable problems in Iraq, and recognized that what we're doing now, it's not working. I can respect a man who changes his mind, if he changes it for good reasons. I'm not sure about you, but putting AK-47s on sale, that doesn't seem like a good reason. (Although couldn't you see Bush claiming it would make ordinary Americans safer from terrorism?) Hundreds of Americans dying due to insurgents in Irap: good reason to change your mind about policy in Iraq. And also, isn't it called stubborness, and not strength, when someone clings to the untruth so hard? I think it is.

I just hate the Bush people for making his obstinacy an asset. It's not. It makes him a leader who is unable to see nuances, which to my mind, is a bad thing. Dealing with humans requires an ability to see the nuances of the human situation. I just don't understand why so many Americans support a man who is utterly opposed to understanding things clearly. But I could go on forever.

(And for the record, this is all prompted by the fact that when I entered the workout room this morning, the woman there before me was watching FoxNews. ICK.)

If you have a chance,

If you have a chance, check out Bitch Ph.D. today. She writes a blog that I read daily, because I find her point of view so intriguing, and she's so damn intelligent. Today's post, though, is just fantastic.

Also, my second LTA class was today, and it was fine. It was sort of a refresher course for me, because working in a bookstore is somewhat like working in a library. The aim is different, but the questions asked of you in both places are similar. I'll concede that a library is like a bookstore on steroids. In libraries, the aim is to actually find the information for the customer. Librarians look IN books. In bookstores, the aim is to find the book. Booksellers look AT books. I know I'm not 100% on my sources, but I am current on my customer service.
I miss bookstores sometimes, but I can't go in them. I just get sad about all the books I want to buy and can't justify buying. Let me put it this way: I miss bookstores, but I don't miss working in a bookstore. Especially the bookstore I worked in. I do miss the discount; if there's one thing I love to buy, it's books.
Maybe if we watch Star Wars tonight (though having a guest, we'll have to follow the dictates of his whim.), I'll finally write that last Jedi entry. The thought fills me with excitement.

So I actually went out

So I actually went out and bought squirrel/chipmunk food at the Ace
Hardware. And we've put the food dish really close to the patio door, so S
decided to take some pictures of him. The chipmunk (who I've taken to
calling Percy) is so piggy that he comes up to the dish with both the glass
and screen doors open, and barely startles (anymore...the first time S did
it, he ran away) when the flash goes off. Here's a picture of him with the
peanuts (which, believe it or not, he jammed into his cheeks whole). I'm
sure we'll keep feeding him, so maybe I'll post other pictures of him later.

First of all, I don't

First of all, I don't think there will be a Star Wars, pt. 3 tonight. I really don't think we'll have enough time to watch Star Wars and clean the whole place from top to bottom. I'm not happy about it, because I have 10,000 things to say about Jedi, but needs must.

So then, the point of this post is yoga. I had my first hatha yoga course this morning, and I was pleasantly surprised. Now, I suck at it. I mean, as much as you can suck at yoga. But I'm not taking it so people can see how I look doing yoga. I'm taking it to relax, and I've gotta say, it worked wonderfully. I did feel calmer after the hour and a half I tried to contort my body into postitions it's not comfortable being in. And while I felt self-conscious, I knew that I was doing it for good reasons. I knew that it didn't matter at all what those people thought of me. I don't care. I need to learn to meditate and relax, because if I don't I'm going to give myself an ulcer. I'm surprised I don't have one already. So we'll see if it really does work out, but at this point, I think the prognosis is good.

PS--I left sunflower seeds out for my chipmunk (you remember, the one in the garbage bag) and he hoovered them. They were gone the next morning. So I put out more, went to class, and they were gone again. So now I've put out another dish of them, and as I type, I am watching this little guy STUFF his face full of them. He's been back twice now. I'm sure he goes home to his little burrow, and dumps them out, and comes back. He's very cautious, and if I move at all, he goes perfectly still and runs. Isn't it funny that my mom is trying to get rid of chipmunks, and I'm feeding them?

Okay, up front, I don't

Okay, up front, I don't really like Empire. I'm sure that will earn me a lifetime of enmity from people who love it. I know, I know, it's supposed to be the best of the three movies, and I acknowledge it's (relative) cinematic greatness. But I still don't like it.
What I've really been thinking about for the past couple nights is nerds. Nerds love Star Wars. I'm pretty much a nerd, let me just say. I'm no super-fan. I've never dressed as a character at a midnight show. But, in the past seven years I've been to five midnight shows. So relatively, I'm still a pretty big nerd.
I don't know, sometimes when I watch these movies I can't figure out why they've become the cult hits they are. Why do some people feel the urge to put on white plastic suits and go sit in movie theaters? It's some elemental nerdery. Why do some of us like the history channel? Elemental Nerdery. There should be some sort of test to measure elemental nerdery. I'm pretty sure that if you like Star Wars, there's at least a little elemental nerdery inside you.
I like elemental nerds, but only to a certain level. For instance, if you put on a white plastic costume to go watch a movie, I'm not so sure you'd be okay. We'd have to analyze your other elementary nerdery points.

Plot point: S pointed out that Darth Vader is unaware of the existence of his children, Luke and Leia. The Emperor informs him in this episode (Empire) that Luke is the son of Anakin Skywalker. Will Lucas remember this when Padme gives birth to the twins in Ep. 3? And you know what? Darth Vader is not ever aware that Leia is his daughter. Because otherwise he would try to seduce her to the dark side just as much as Luke. Just a thought. (And yes, this does increase my elemental nerdery.)

I'm in a very pensive

I'm in a very pensive mood. I know I should just let go of this friendship in my life, but it's so hard, because, and this is the only way to think of it, I've loved him so hard over the past few years. This is very uncharacteristic of me, to keep trying so hard, and to keep be rebuffed so hard. I'm putting myself in this vulnerable position, and I keep going through this cycle where I'm ending up down on myself.

I should just give up. I rationally know that. But I keep thinking--we were so close, how can it just end? I'm pretty sure this person knows how much I miss having him around, and if he doesn't feel the same way am I some kind of loser to keep throwing myself out there? I just feel like if it can be salvaged it should be, because I feel like my life is less for not having him around. When are you supposed to quit? Obviously, something inside me won't let me quit, because I'm not doing it.

And I still get sad. I still am sadly hopeful. I don't know what's left.