Loop

I've been struggling with the issue of whether to make myself write posts, or to only do it when I'm truly itching to say something.  The thing is, I've got all this stored up writerly energy, and it makes me want to post post post, but then I start thinking about what I'm going to write about, and I freeze.  Which, incidentally, is why I didn't blog here for almost a year; I had the above experience nearly every week, and it was enough to keep me from blogging completely.

Even now, I've just erased three different paragraphs that said three different things, all about this topic of not blogging.  Or blogging.  I don't know why, but I'm suffering from the fear of putting a word wrong.  I have things I'd like to talk about, but I also don't want to....start something.  That's a weird thing to say, right?  I'm talking about writing about personal things, and I have very strong feelings about some things--many things--and where I used to just let it all hang out and type it all up like a battering ram, now I am mindful of the silence I've kept for the last eleven months, and unsure.

If you know me, you're probably yelping from the hilarity of me keeping any opinions to myself.  Probably I didn't when I was speaking in the last eleven months.  But writerly silence is still a silence of a particular type, and in those silent eleven months I mourned the loss of writing; now I am mourning the breaking of that silence.  It's a very weird loop to be caught up in.  When I am not writing, I am thinking "I would really like to write again," and when I begin to write, I am thinking, "I am wondering if I should actually type these things so people can read them.  Perhaps not."

I don't know how to reconcile the loop.  Again to the options of the first paragraph.  I could force myself to write, thus hopefully breaking the loop.  Or I could wait until I feel really compelled, and hope that compulsion comes more and more often.  I don't know what I will choose to do, but I do know that November will in fact break the stalemate in my head, because I will be doing NaBloPoMo this year.  The original month was always November, and so November it is.